Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
