Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
