How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
