why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
