i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Slut skills are useful in every country.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize