I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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