i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
