I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
