I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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