happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
