when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
