Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
