i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
