allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
