There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
