If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
