Umm I'm too high to move.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
