My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
