I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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