Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
