I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
