I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
