I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
