i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
