Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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