I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
