I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
