Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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