just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
