and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
