Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
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