no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
