It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
