Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
