Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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