oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
