He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
