I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize