how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
