So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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