3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
