her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
