Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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