normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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