I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize