Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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