I wish I could teleport
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
