Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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