Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
