You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Drunk is a universal language darling
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