Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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