So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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