i already hear my dad disowning me
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I met the friendliest cop last night
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
