I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize