I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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