Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
