Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
