Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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