Have you finally orgasmed yet?
so that wasnt chicken after all
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
