Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
you never un-have a 4some
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
